Saturday, March 1, 2014

Chapter 24

More accurately, I was going to be someone at 16.

Yes, I feel a full-body-shiver looking back at how optimistic I was at 15.

But again, I am done weeping over the fact that at 24, I am at a low-paying office job, in a field I swear I never once imagined myself in. IN-SU-RANCE. Or, that my peak seems to have started and ended during my last year in university. A good three years since, and I haven’t published anything. Or that my love life will forever be followed by the pun, lack thereof; therefore causing both great concern and happiness to my brothers and parents (respectively). Yes, I am okay with all of these. And yes, not a tear was shed while delivering this long list of what makes me a failure.

I wonder whether this declaration of acceptance makes me mature, or a loser. But for the sake of uplifting my ego on this day that I turn a year older, let’s just call it maturity. Please.

Yes, there is a long list of things I should’ve already done but haven’t, and I’m not an inch closer to being the person I wanted to be at 24, BUT there are other things that I’ve accomplished that I never thought I could. I feel like I have matured so much in the last year, that I caught up with all those years that I’ve turned a year older and none the wiser. I haven’t traveled, haven’t written anything, haven’t gone out and seen the world just yet. Instead, I have had my heart broken, worked at an assembly line for a car factory (first day of which I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, and I went home everyday smelling like burnt metal and exhausted to the core), moved jobs, met new friends, learned to drive, worked as a stock person getting cuts from handling boxes and muscles from lifting, bought a car, took care of my parents. This big big world that life put me into when it decided to take me away from the Philippines, no matter how many times I reject it, actually provided me all the space I needed to grow.

Today, I saw a real Chagall. My parents took me to AGO to see the The Great Upheaval collection, and I saw things that are far greater than me. I felt small, and overwhelmed and awed and inexplicably happy. I never ever thought that I would see a real Picasso, or Matisse, or Modigliani. And there they were, making me feel things I would never be able to explain. So I wouldn’t even bother. Except maybe to say: here’s one that wasn’t on the list.

And there will be many more to come. 


  1. The last two paragraphs almost made me cry, and it didn't help that Idina Menzel was belting "Let It Go" in the background (Frozen's my working playlist tonight, you have permission to laugh). We both carry the same pressure on our backs right now, but you know what? You're right. At the end of the day, the thought that we can say "It's my turn to take care of you now" to our parents and actually do it makes all the hardships worth it. You are always telling me how proud you are of me, and now's the perfect time for me to say it back. For everything you've endured since you left home: I am so proud of you.

    1. You always make me cry. You have no idea how proud I am of you, so for you to say that you're proud of me.. huhu lol I love you.